8 Reasons To Be Sober In Amsterdam

Amsterdam is a place where you can do things you can’t do back home whether it’s procuring sex work, cycling safely through a city or (predictably) getting off ya dong on drugs.

Nitros, hallucinogenic truffles and harder shit pops up from time to time time but it’s decriminalised cannabis available in coffee shops that makes Amsterdam so friendly with tourists who come from a country where it’s illegal for some reason. It takes no fewer than a one minute walk down any strip of central Amsterdam to get a whiff of the stuff. Weed is everywhere in Amsterdam, in joints, brownies, socks, hats, scarves, bongs, brains and in this article today.

BUT contrary to what your cousin Tarryn might have you believe, weed and partying is not all there is to Amsterdam. Not that I’m some Florence Nightingale type who thinks you shouldn’t try it, I have, it’s fun, I just don’t spend my whole trip doing it. Give it a go if you feel inclined but there are plenty of reasons why you should ‘do’ Amsterdam sober or at least not so stoned you think your tour guide is speaking Dutch instead of the perfect English every Dutchie seems capable of.

1. It’s Not Legal

“But Benny! You just said-“ yes, I know. Coffee shops are allowed to sell it, you’re allowed to buy it but weed is not legal. It’s decriminalised. What that means is that you’re technically not allowed to smoke it anywhere you may wish. Not that it stops too many people but technically a cop can give you a ticket from smoking on the street. I didn’t see that but I saw someone get a ticket for drinking on the street and way more people do that. The fine is 90 euro so stick to the coffee shops if you don’t want to risk the fine. On that though…

2. Coffee Shops Are Seedy

As a teenager I had these grand visions of the coffee shops of Amsterdam. A hazy hippy wonderland made up of a rainbow coalition of those just a bit too badass to ever join the UN but manage to solve the worlds problems over a coffee and spliff. Yeah, they aren’t anything like that at all.

You might get thoroughly searched by security, get served by a dude who knows as much about the product as a shelf-stacker knows about Campbell’s soup and sit smoking in a room full of intense looking men who appear as if they are out of the house just so they don’t masturbate to injury again. Also, the door is locked, for your security. In short, the coffee shops are often seedy and rarely pretty. You know what is pretty though?

3. A’Dam Is Beautiful Enough Already

There’s a reason so many people go to Amsterdam; it’s gorgeous. Yes, you can do the aforementioned naughty things there too but you can do those in Surry Hills and you don’t see crowds of tourists threatening local cyclists there do ya?

You don’t need to be stoned to be amazed by the beauty of Amsterdam. Cross a beautiful bridge, admire the box of flours, watch the sun shimmer above a canal. All getting high will do is make it more difficult to cross the road safely, which counts for double when you’re from a left side driving country like me.

4. A’Dam Is Intense Enough Already

It’s not just the rivers of humans, noise from the lads trips and sex in the windows that make Amsterdam so intense. It’s also the fact that the locals peddle past, treating the whole thing like it’s the most normal thing in the world. It’s enough to make you wonder why you’re here.

Does a head full of paranoid thoughts really make any of that better? Does being 12 seconds behind reality make Dutch any easier to understand? Hit the boof before you hit the streets and all of the little things that make Amsterdam a bit intense might just freak you out. Freaking out might not be as hard as you think…

5. The Weed Is Potent

Maybe if you’re from the USA, Canada or another country with legal (or just high quality) cannabis this won’t count for you but for most of us the weed available in Amsterdam is a level up from what you might be used to. While used correctly it might just inspire you to paint a masterpiece or giggle way too intensely at Dutch adverts but used incorrectly (e.g. smoking/eating too much) and you can easily find yourself having a horrible time. In a city with so many visitors, it’s unlikely you’ll be the one making the biggest dick of yourself that day but someone has to be and your odds might go up if you have another space cake because the first one didn’t kick in after four minutes.

6. The Locals Don’t Touch it

You meet all sorts of people in coffee shops but one type of person you never meet is an Amsterdam local over 20. Ask any Amsterdammer if they smoke up and 99% of the time they will say “Yeah, when I was 16-19 but not in a long time.” Basically, Dutchies get the green out of their system early on. Denmark, Spain, UK, Ireland and Italy all have higher rates of pot smoking in the adult population than the Netherlands. If you want to meet locals go to a brown cafe or a bike shop, you will not find them in the coffee shops.

(Well, I did meet a Dutchie at a coffee shop once but they had just moved to Amsterdam from Friesland that week. Even they thought it was weird they were there.)

7. The Local Tipple Is Good

While this isn’t exactly ‘sober’ the beer in Amsterdam is pretty amazing. Not only do they have great local brews but they have some great imports from nearby Belgium and Germany that are lovely and thick and rich and strong and ready to put you on your ass if you mix them with bud.

Let me go back to being a second year uni student and remind the freshers; beer before grass you’re on your ass, grass before beer you’re in the clear.

8. Amsterdam Culture Has Nothing To Do With Weed

Everywhere in Amsterdam you will find their city flag; a horizontal black stripe across red marked by three white Xs. Most people see it as a lurid and lusty temptation, a trilogy of sin. In reality, the three Xs symbolise the three tragedies the early city faced; plague, flooding and fire. Amsterdam might be one of the most misunderstood places anyone would attempt a week of debauchery in.

Locals don’t think of the smoking and excess of being part of the culture, it’s just what’s there for the tourists. They are the city of Anne Frank, AJAX football club and some of the world’s best museums. Their ancestors chopped down half the German black forest to build the canals where they lay their feet and bike tires. Their city was once home to the wealthiest organisation that ever existed and probably ever will. These are the things they are proud of, not a space cake with a little mushroom drawn on it.

If you visit Amsterdam once you probably won’t understand it. Visit it twice or three or four or more times and there’s a good chance you still won’t understand it. But if you’re trying to discover the real Amsterdam, you’re never gonna find it hiding in a cone piece.